Is My Husband Going to Change?

I had a strange dream last night that has really struck a chord in me and I am sure is a concern for most wives with recruits.

Is bootcamp/The Marines going to irrevocably change my husband? Is he going to be a man different from whom I fell in love with?

I dreamed that when my husband came back from bootcamp, there was a copy of him as well. One copy had all of my husbands best qualities, including his amazing kindness and unfailing devotion. The other was solemn and cold. They were both my husband, but niether were complete. I had to be married to both of them and eventually, in the dream, it tore me apart to try to meet both copies needs.

At this point, I dont know how my husband will change. When I spoke to him on the phone, he seemed mostly the same. He did curse without having a reason to, which is new. But not horrible. I can live with a foul mouth. But that was only after three weeks of bootcamp.

What is three months in the Marine Corp going to send home to me?

Three years?

Thirty?

What I Have Learned in the Last Three Weeks

1.      I am not in control. No matter how much I want to be, or think I should be, The Marine Corp is now a part of my life and marriage. Anything having to do with my husband has to do with them, so I had better just get used to it. He is theirs just as much, if not more, than he is mine.

2.      The Marine Corp has a lot of terminology that is way above my head. They have a name for items that don’t really need a new name, and it is frustrating to hear some strange designation instead of a proper name. My husband called the bathroom “the head” which threw me for a loop. Why has the military decided to rename everything?

3.      I am stronger than I thought, but weaker at the same time. I now know I am capable of taking care of myself if my husband is ever gone for good. But I have also realized that while I may be strong enough to physically care for myself, I am not very emotionally independent. I depend on my husband to listen to me, to comfort me, even to remind me when I am over reacting. My emotions have been all over the place for the last three weeks, and it isn’t getting any better.

4.      Nothing anyone says is very comforting. No matter how many times my mother or father reassure me, I still feel alone, scared, and worried. It’s nice to have family around, and their presence is at least distracting, but the hugs don’t even take the edge off the loneliness. They don’t need to know that though.

5.      Anything to distract myself is worth it. Moping all day isn’t good for me and it definitely isn’t helping my recruit. I know he can feel my sadness in my letters. He is my husband! He knows me better than I know myself so I am pretty sure he can pick up little hints of sadness, regardless of how hard I try to hide it. So for his sake, I have to stay upbeat. This means making sure I am not dwelling on the separation in order to make boot camp easier on him.

6.       I am so lucky to be my recruit’s wife. He is going through exhaustion and pain right now to provide a future for his family. He loves me and our anxiously awaited son so much that he is doing something that most people can’t even fathom. I certainly can’t!

Pneumonia

So I got a call from The San Diego Naval Hospital today. A lady with a heavy spanish accent informed me that my husband has been admitted and that I need to call them back. Or rather, she tried. I was making the yardsale routes with my family and missed the call. I didnt get the voicemail until an hour later.

I panicked. I thought he must be dying. Why else would he be in a hospital? So I tried to call the missed phone number, only to have it make the strangest clicking/beeping sound no matter how many times I hung up and redialed. I then began an incredibly panicked search on the internet for a working number to the hospital. I eventually found one and got connected to a person. Only to be transfered to another location, then put on hold while my husbands nurse was found. Now keep in mind that I STILL had no idea what was going on. The nurse was SO helpful (can you sense my sarcasm?). She gave me the phone number to my husbands room. I then proceeded to call the private number.

Ring...Ring...
Ring...Ring...
Ring...Ring...
Ring...Ring...

Nothing. You can guess what I did next . I called the nurse back and demanded they go to his room to find out why he wasn't answering. The phone wasn't freaking PLUGGED IN! The most basic part of a working telephone, and it wasn't connected.

Finally, I got in touch with my husband. Who has pneumonia. Pretty badly.

But God was it good to hear his voice. I could barely stop crying to ask him about his condition. He says he is okay, but his cough says otherwise. He could barely talk, but he talked to me for a few minutes, doing his best to comfort me, even though he is the sick one. He was very interested in how the baby is doing.

Eventually he had to get off the phone because the doctor came in to do some tests. I called him back about an hour later, but he was only able to talk for about 10 minutes before he told me he needed to go. No explanation, but I assume he was exhausted and needed to sleep.

I am such a mess right now. How am I going to survive being cut off from him again once he is out of the hospital?  It is taking every once of my willpower to not drive to the airport right now and jump on a plane. For the last three years, I have been taking care of him and it is agony to be 1500 miles away and not able to hold him while he coughs. To ease his pain.

Plus, if he is sick for long enough, he could be "recycled" meaning that he would have to start bootcamp all over again. I am praying thats not the case.

There really is a God!

Today, as I was writing Danny, a letter finally came. Almost three weeks after I dropped him off at his recruiters, I finally hear from him. It was like someone upstairs finally heard my prayers.

Honestly, I think this might be the best feeling I have ever had. Its such a beautiful feeling to hear from your loved one after so long. Believe me when I say that this is euphoria.

For the last two weeks, I have been watching the mail like a hawk. Every single day, I waited at home until the mail came, desperate for any communication from my dear dear husband. So of course, when I actually saw the half size envelope with the globe and anchor on it, I immedietly burst into tears and ripped into the envelope like a wild animal. I dont think I have ever moved so fast.

Unfortunatly, the letter wasn't very long, which was not very suprising considering how strapped for time he probably is. He expressed how much he missed me and how bootcamp is not what he was expecting. He of course inquired after the baby, as though he had no idea what was going on. I find that suspicious because I have been writing him huge letters everyday. Supposedly mail isn't supposed to be withheld for any reason, not even for disciplinary reasons.

Also, he asked that I send him Vitamin C tablets and protein bars. He wasn't very descriptive so I had to call his recruiter and ask how many protein bars I needed to send (aka, enough for his entire platoon). Him asking for Vitamin C worries me because he didn't include any other information. Is he sick? Does he need anything else?

I read in a couple of forums that recruits might appreciate being sent moleskin to help ease the pain of blisters, which I guess can be pretty common. The husband specifically requested that I not send him anything besides the two items, so I am still on the bridge about the blister help.

Oh, just for clarification, if you choose to send your recruit cookies or something, you absolutly HAVE to send enough for his entire platoon. However, that is not the case with protein bars. You only have to send enough for your person of interest. However, if the DI's feel it is necessary, they can pool all of the protein bars sent by families and distribute them as needed. So that doesn't mean dont send the protein bars that he is asking for. If he is asking for something, chances are that he really needs it.

Always remember that the recruiters are not only resources for your recruit, but also for you. Not just spouses, but parents to. You might have to be persistant with them, but they are usually willing to be helpful. My husbands was very kind to me today, asking how I was holding up. I was pretty choked up on the phone still, but he was very graceful under fire. Very few men seem to be able to handle a crying woman.

And if you are reading this before your recruit has shipped for basic, take this information to heart. That first letter is going to take a while. It is agony to wait, I know, but just keep writing to him. Even if he isnt getting them all quite yet, its also therapeutic for you, especially if your a spouse. It is very hard to go from having a constant companion to being alone for this long. So just write. Write about what you do everyday or about the funny article you read. Just write. If my husband really has been having his mail withheld, then he is going to have the largest stack of mail that the DI's have ever seen. Remember that it is up to you to be postive and to make sure he doesn't feel like his whole world is pain, exhaustion, and stress. He has to have a reason to continue.

(Please note that I say "he" because my recruit is my husband. Its just a mindset thing.)

Furious

I am in a spot between absolute fury and worry.

Danny left yesterday afternoon for San Diego and arrived late last night, if all went according to plan. He was supposed to arrive, stand on the yellow footprints and be marched to a bank of phones in order to call me and let me know he was there safe.

But I did not recieve a phone call last night. Neither did his mom or even my parents. No one has heard from him. I just called the recruiters office to see if this was normal. Even they sounded confused. And Danny knew I wanted a phone call. Planes freak me out.

So, there are two options at this point.

1. Danny is NOT okay. Something is wrong!
2. Danny is an asshole who didn't stop to think about his choice to NOT call me.

If he had a chance to call me, but chose not to, I hope the recruiter calls his D.I. in San Deigo. I hope he gets REAMED! How dare he leave me wondering all night long (yes, I stayed up).

Either way, something is up and I am not pleased.

On a side note, the recruiter also said that I probably wont get his mailing address until the end of the week. I can't even write a letter to yell at him.

The Big Day

Well he left today for MEPS. Then he gets sent to the airport tomorrow and shipped to San Diego for 13 weeks.

I can't seem to stop crying. I feel like a baby and I hate it. I know he has only been gone for about seven hours but it seems like every little thing reminds me of him and makes tears spring into my eyes.

After I dropped him off at the recruiters today, I sat in the car for a few minutes just trying to breathe. In our entire three years together we have never been separated for longer than a couple of weeks and we have always had phone contact. Now I am resigned to letters and the knowledge that I have to wait 13 weeks to see him again.

I wasn't ready for him to go. I wasn't prepared emotionally. My family is worried about me and says the first 48 hours are going to be the hardest. Also that half my reaction is because of my pregnancy horomones. I think I am just miserable and want to stay in bed for three months until he is laying with me again.

And now I am crying again. I am half hoping that MEPS is going to say that he is ineligeble and he will call me tomorrow saying that he needs me to come get him. I feel bad for wishing that, but the thought of three months is suddenly to much. I am regretting supporting him joining and I just want him home. It is selfish I know.

I am going to sign off now. Try to get a little slee

Nightmares

I have been having a bad couple of days, sleep-wise. I have been having some pretty intense nightmares, the most awful of which woke me up in the middle of night, sobbing like a kid. Poor husband was really freaked out when I startled him awake as I searched for him in the blankets.

The dream itself wasnt gruesome or anything. I dreamt that it was maybe 10 years in the future. I had three kids, all watching TV in the living room when the doorbell rings and I open the front door to find a man in uniform telling me that my husband has died.

I'm sure the experience is different in real life, but it shook me to the core. I havent really felt like doing anything the last few days, least of all write. I have spent it getting myself together and talking my crazy side out of telling Danny he cant join the Marines.

On a happier note I went to Home Depot yesterday and picked up the seeds im going to plant this year as well as a raspberry shoot. So my garden this year will have stawberries, broccoli, pumpkins, watermelons, AND hopefully some raspberries. I also finally have found a pair of gardening gloves that actually fit me. My future brother in law picked up some corn that he plans on planting, but I dont really see that happening since he has made no effort to help me clear the garden.

OH! Hold on. His recruiters, who we have had nothing but issues with, has gone and changed the day for PT from mondays to saturdays. WTH! There is no way that Danny is going to be able to get saturdays off from work. Just frustrating because they made such a big deal about danny getting mondays off from work. GRRR