Songs That Speak

There are songs out there that truly speak to people. So much music these days are nonsense with no real meaning behind them. Every once in a while though, there will be a song released that really connects with people. The music and lyrics make a person stop and think about how it relates to them.

In my humble opinion, this song describes my feelings perfectly. Its about three years old, but is still one of my husbands and my favorites, simply because we are best friends and are 100% in love. Its a beautiful life to live. =)

Take a listen if you don't already know the song. Its rather comforting if you are separated from your best friend for whatever reason.

***NOTE***
No letters since husband went back into a training company. He IS graduating on July 27th though, so its only a little more than two months until he is home.

What I Have Learned in the Last Three Weeks

1.      I am not in control. No matter how much I want to be, or think I should be, The Marine Corp is now a part of my life and marriage. Anything having to do with my husband has to do with them, so I had better just get used to it. He is theirs just as much, if not more, than he is mine.

2.      The Marine Corp has a lot of terminology that is way above my head. They have a name for items that don’t really need a new name, and it is frustrating to hear some strange designation instead of a proper name. My husband called the bathroom “the head” which threw me for a loop. Why has the military decided to rename everything?

3.      I am stronger than I thought, but weaker at the same time. I now know I am capable of taking care of myself if my husband is ever gone for good. But I have also realized that while I may be strong enough to physically care for myself, I am not very emotionally independent. I depend on my husband to listen to me, to comfort me, even to remind me when I am over reacting. My emotions have been all over the place for the last three weeks, and it isn’t getting any better.

4.      Nothing anyone says is very comforting. No matter how many times my mother or father reassure me, I still feel alone, scared, and worried. It’s nice to have family around, and their presence is at least distracting, but the hugs don’t even take the edge off the loneliness. They don’t need to know that though.

5.      Anything to distract myself is worth it. Moping all day isn’t good for me and it definitely isn’t helping my recruit. I know he can feel my sadness in my letters. He is my husband! He knows me better than I know myself so I am pretty sure he can pick up little hints of sadness, regardless of how hard I try to hide it. So for his sake, I have to stay upbeat. This means making sure I am not dwelling on the separation in order to make boot camp easier on him.

6.       I am so lucky to be my recruit’s wife. He is going through exhaustion and pain right now to provide a future for his family. He loves me and our anxiously awaited son so much that he is doing something that most people can’t even fathom. I certainly can’t!

Pneumonia

So I got a call from The San Diego Naval Hospital today. A lady with a heavy spanish accent informed me that my husband has been admitted and that I need to call them back. Or rather, she tried. I was making the yardsale routes with my family and missed the call. I didnt get the voicemail until an hour later.

I panicked. I thought he must be dying. Why else would he be in a hospital? So I tried to call the missed phone number, only to have it make the strangest clicking/beeping sound no matter how many times I hung up and redialed. I then began an incredibly panicked search on the internet for a working number to the hospital. I eventually found one and got connected to a person. Only to be transfered to another location, then put on hold while my husbands nurse was found. Now keep in mind that I STILL had no idea what was going on. The nurse was SO helpful (can you sense my sarcasm?). She gave me the phone number to my husbands room. I then proceeded to call the private number.

Ring...Ring...
Ring...Ring...
Ring...Ring...
Ring...Ring...

Nothing. You can guess what I did next . I called the nurse back and demanded they go to his room to find out why he wasn't answering. The phone wasn't freaking PLUGGED IN! The most basic part of a working telephone, and it wasn't connected.

Finally, I got in touch with my husband. Who has pneumonia. Pretty badly.

But God was it good to hear his voice. I could barely stop crying to ask him about his condition. He says he is okay, but his cough says otherwise. He could barely talk, but he talked to me for a few minutes, doing his best to comfort me, even though he is the sick one. He was very interested in how the baby is doing.

Eventually he had to get off the phone because the doctor came in to do some tests. I called him back about an hour later, but he was only able to talk for about 10 minutes before he told me he needed to go. No explanation, but I assume he was exhausted and needed to sleep.

I am such a mess right now. How am I going to survive being cut off from him again once he is out of the hospital?  It is taking every once of my willpower to not drive to the airport right now and jump on a plane. For the last three years, I have been taking care of him and it is agony to be 1500 miles away and not able to hold him while he coughs. To ease his pain.

Plus, if he is sick for long enough, he could be "recycled" meaning that he would have to start bootcamp all over again. I am praying thats not the case.

There really is a God!

Today, as I was writing Danny, a letter finally came. Almost three weeks after I dropped him off at his recruiters, I finally hear from him. It was like someone upstairs finally heard my prayers.

Honestly, I think this might be the best feeling I have ever had. Its such a beautiful feeling to hear from your loved one after so long. Believe me when I say that this is euphoria.

For the last two weeks, I have been watching the mail like a hawk. Every single day, I waited at home until the mail came, desperate for any communication from my dear dear husband. So of course, when I actually saw the half size envelope with the globe and anchor on it, I immedietly burst into tears and ripped into the envelope like a wild animal. I dont think I have ever moved so fast.

Unfortunatly, the letter wasn't very long, which was not very suprising considering how strapped for time he probably is. He expressed how much he missed me and how bootcamp is not what he was expecting. He of course inquired after the baby, as though he had no idea what was going on. I find that suspicious because I have been writing him huge letters everyday. Supposedly mail isn't supposed to be withheld for any reason, not even for disciplinary reasons.

Also, he asked that I send him Vitamin C tablets and protein bars. He wasn't very descriptive so I had to call his recruiter and ask how many protein bars I needed to send (aka, enough for his entire platoon). Him asking for Vitamin C worries me because he didn't include any other information. Is he sick? Does he need anything else?

I read in a couple of forums that recruits might appreciate being sent moleskin to help ease the pain of blisters, which I guess can be pretty common. The husband specifically requested that I not send him anything besides the two items, so I am still on the bridge about the blister help.

Oh, just for clarification, if you choose to send your recruit cookies or something, you absolutly HAVE to send enough for his entire platoon. However, that is not the case with protein bars. You only have to send enough for your person of interest. However, if the DI's feel it is necessary, they can pool all of the protein bars sent by families and distribute them as needed. So that doesn't mean dont send the protein bars that he is asking for. If he is asking for something, chances are that he really needs it.

Always remember that the recruiters are not only resources for your recruit, but also for you. Not just spouses, but parents to. You might have to be persistant with them, but they are usually willing to be helpful. My husbands was very kind to me today, asking how I was holding up. I was pretty choked up on the phone still, but he was very graceful under fire. Very few men seem to be able to handle a crying woman.

And if you are reading this before your recruit has shipped for basic, take this information to heart. That first letter is going to take a while. It is agony to wait, I know, but just keep writing to him. Even if he isnt getting them all quite yet, its also therapeutic for you, especially if your a spouse. It is very hard to go from having a constant companion to being alone for this long. So just write. Write about what you do everyday or about the funny article you read. Just write. If my husband really has been having his mail withheld, then he is going to have the largest stack of mail that the DI's have ever seen. Remember that it is up to you to be postive and to make sure he doesn't feel like his whole world is pain, exhaustion, and stress. He has to have a reason to continue.

(Please note that I say "he" because my recruit is my husband. Its just a mindset thing.)

74 days

Danny has been gone for 2 weeks now and I dont think I gone through anything this bad before. Everything is a reminder that he isnt here. I try to keep calm and serene but it hurts to see happy couples everywhere and to know that mine is 1500 miles and 74 days away.

Its not only real world people. Television, movies, music; everything is about a happy couple. Its heart wrenching.

My family trys to be comforting, but they just dont understand. None of my family has ever had to be seperated for this long from their spouse and their words just dont comfort the way I wish they would. They say that I should get out and find things to do. Unfortunatly I am now rather limited in where I can go. Before he left, Danny requested that I not drive anymore partially due to our crappy 1994 Honda and partially because he doesnt trust my driving. A fact that I find hilarious because he is the terrible driver! So I am pretty limited to the house unless one of my family members is free to ferry me about.

I have been writing Danny everyday. It almost feels like talking to a ghost because I still haven't recieved a letter from him. I dont even know if he is recieving my letters. My mother-in-law says just keep waiting; that it might take a while. I just wish that my husband would take 15 minutes at the end of the night to scratch me a note telling me how he is doing and that he is okay.

I have decided that I really do need to find a hobby. Before, I didnt really have time for one. Not because I was so busy but because I loved spending my free time with my husband. I didn't really feel like I needed something else to occupy myself. The problem with finding a hobby is that I have no idea what I want to do. I enjoy writing, reading, traveling but none of those are capable of keeping my attention.

So anyone who has an idea, please let me know. I desperatly need something to keep my mind off of the soul crushing loneliness...

The Big Day

Well he left today for MEPS. Then he gets sent to the airport tomorrow and shipped to San Diego for 13 weeks.

I can't seem to stop crying. I feel like a baby and I hate it. I know he has only been gone for about seven hours but it seems like every little thing reminds me of him and makes tears spring into my eyes.

After I dropped him off at the recruiters today, I sat in the car for a few minutes just trying to breathe. In our entire three years together we have never been separated for longer than a couple of weeks and we have always had phone contact. Now I am resigned to letters and the knowledge that I have to wait 13 weeks to see him again.

I wasn't ready for him to go. I wasn't prepared emotionally. My family is worried about me and says the first 48 hours are going to be the hardest. Also that half my reaction is because of my pregnancy horomones. I think I am just miserable and want to stay in bed for three months until he is laying with me again.

And now I am crying again. I am half hoping that MEPS is going to say that he is ineligeble and he will call me tomorrow saying that he needs me to come get him. I feel bad for wishing that, but the thought of three months is suddenly to much. I am regretting supporting him joining and I just want him home. It is selfish I know.

I am going to sign off now. Try to get a little slee

What I have learned in the last week about pregnancy.

As I have previously mentioned, I found out recently that I am almost 6 months pregnant. Surprise!

So I have spent the last week and a half googling myself sleepless about pregnancy and parenthood and have come to conlcusion that I am very out of my depth here. Parenting isn't just a job; its going to be my life for the next 60 years. I will never stop being a mother and my little boy will never stop being the center of my universe.

Also I have discovered that the moment I found out about him, I became instantly and irrevocably attached to him. I love him more than anything. Its amazing how I would do anything at this point for him. If the doctor told me that it was him or me, I would choose him. Same goes for husband. He has gone into protective Dad mode. Now he nags me ten times a day to get on the elliptical or eat some fruit. He is even getting excited about being a Dad. He said that he kind of wishes it was a girl though; he wanted to be the dad sitting on the porch with a shotgun.

I am terrified of raising a boy. They are destructive and noisy and their baby clothes are hideous. I have no idea what to do with one. I grew up around a ton of girls who liked barbies and dress up. Boys, I hear, like to create lego civilizations and then godzilla their way through them. I have no idea how to deal with a child whose single pleasure will be destruction.

So, anyone have any ideas on how to raise boys?

Just something I am going to miss

My husband got paid this morning and I got to wake up to the best thing ever; a twinkie. He woke up super early, went to the store and got me a twinkie, all before I even cracked an eyelid.

Possibly the sweetest man in the world! I love twinkies and we usually only buy them when we have a bit of extra cash, but he set aside money this paycheck to buy me a treat.

So now I am curled up on the couch watching him play Mass Effect 3, a video game series that he just loves, eating my twinkie. I think I might be the luckiest woman in the world!

On a more sad note, my sister made me watch this music video by Carrie Underwood, "Just a Dream". It made me pretty sad and I teared up. But I can understand why she wanted me to watch it. Her fiance is considering joining the airforce, so of course she is super worried about him and what could happen. I hope she is doing okay, but she doesn't really get gushy about her feelings.

Well, I am terrified about what could happen to my husband, but I comfort myself with the thoughts that he gonna look really freaking handsome in his dress blues! And maybe since he is in communications, he might not ever do anything to dangerous...(I might be a little bit deluded)

Give me the effing twinkies...