Don't Know What to Say

Im not ashamed to admit that I lead a boring life. Mostly thats because I am unemployed.

I am very good friends with TLC and ABC Family, which is downright pathetic. I enjoy watching Secret Life of the American Teenager and I Did't Know I was Pregnant. Well, I dont really enjoy watching them, but I cant seem to look away. Like when your driving on the freeway and there is an accident and you actually slow down so you can watch whats going on. You WANT to look away, but you just can not.

Anyways, I find myself with nothing to write about in my letters to Danny. I tell him about the baby and what interesting articles I read about, but I am running out of material! Its not that I dont have anything to say ("I love you!"), its that I just dont have anything interesting to say. I could write pages and pages of sweet sentiments but eventually he is going to get sick of reading that.

I mean, I am sure he would appreciate every letter, but it wouldn't be the motivation that he needs. It wouldn't provide distraction from the pains of boot camp, which he probably needs a lot of at this.

So what do I write now? I dont have doctor appointments for another week for so and the news has been pretty boring.

Any ideas would be appreciated! In the meantime, I will simply keep telling him about my day. Maybe I will start writing down memories from our life together and just keep reminding him why he is doing this.

On a side note, when do I start to get celebrating mothers day? I know I am not one yet, but I am pretty sure that I am feeling the exhaustion levels....

What I Have Learned in the Last Three Weeks

1.      I am not in control. No matter how much I want to be, or think I should be, The Marine Corp is now a part of my life and marriage. Anything having to do with my husband has to do with them, so I had better just get used to it. He is theirs just as much, if not more, than he is mine.

2.      The Marine Corp has a lot of terminology that is way above my head. They have a name for items that don’t really need a new name, and it is frustrating to hear some strange designation instead of a proper name. My husband called the bathroom “the head” which threw me for a loop. Why has the military decided to rename everything?

3.      I am stronger than I thought, but weaker at the same time. I now know I am capable of taking care of myself if my husband is ever gone for good. But I have also realized that while I may be strong enough to physically care for myself, I am not very emotionally independent. I depend on my husband to listen to me, to comfort me, even to remind me when I am over reacting. My emotions have been all over the place for the last three weeks, and it isn’t getting any better.

4.      Nothing anyone says is very comforting. No matter how many times my mother or father reassure me, I still feel alone, scared, and worried. It’s nice to have family around, and their presence is at least distracting, but the hugs don’t even take the edge off the loneliness. They don’t need to know that though.

5.      Anything to distract myself is worth it. Moping all day isn’t good for me and it definitely isn’t helping my recruit. I know he can feel my sadness in my letters. He is my husband! He knows me better than I know myself so I am pretty sure he can pick up little hints of sadness, regardless of how hard I try to hide it. So for his sake, I have to stay upbeat. This means making sure I am not dwelling on the separation in order to make boot camp easier on him.

6.       I am so lucky to be my recruit’s wife. He is going through exhaustion and pain right now to provide a future for his family. He loves me and our anxiously awaited son so much that he is doing something that most people can’t even fathom. I certainly can’t!

74 days

Danny has been gone for 2 weeks now and I dont think I gone through anything this bad before. Everything is a reminder that he isnt here. I try to keep calm and serene but it hurts to see happy couples everywhere and to know that mine is 1500 miles and 74 days away.

Its not only real world people. Television, movies, music; everything is about a happy couple. Its heart wrenching.

My family trys to be comforting, but they just dont understand. None of my family has ever had to be seperated for this long from their spouse and their words just dont comfort the way I wish they would. They say that I should get out and find things to do. Unfortunatly I am now rather limited in where I can go. Before he left, Danny requested that I not drive anymore partially due to our crappy 1994 Honda and partially because he doesnt trust my driving. A fact that I find hilarious because he is the terrible driver! So I am pretty limited to the house unless one of my family members is free to ferry me about.

I have been writing Danny everyday. It almost feels like talking to a ghost because I still haven't recieved a letter from him. I dont even know if he is recieving my letters. My mother-in-law says just keep waiting; that it might take a while. I just wish that my husband would take 15 minutes at the end of the night to scratch me a note telling me how he is doing and that he is okay.

I have decided that I really do need to find a hobby. Before, I didnt really have time for one. Not because I was so busy but because I loved spending my free time with my husband. I didn't really feel like I needed something else to occupy myself. The problem with finding a hobby is that I have no idea what I want to do. I enjoy writing, reading, traveling but none of those are capable of keeping my attention.

So anyone who has an idea, please let me know. I desperatly need something to keep my mind off of the soul crushing loneliness...

Finally!

I finally got Danny's address today. I waited until about 9:30 before I called his recruiter and said "GIVE ME THE ADDRESS!!!" Okay, I wasnt that aggressive, but I very nicely said that I was told to call today for the official address where I could start sending letters.

So the recruiter posted the address on my facebook wall, which was very convenient. That way I could "tag" his mother, sister, father, etc instead of having to call each of them and try to describe the very long and complicated address.

So immedietly wrote it on the envelope that I already had a stamp on in preparation and rushed to the nearest letterbox. I cant wait for him to get the letters (3) as well as the ultrasound picture of the baby sucking his thumb. Its a pretty thick envelope.

So I guess the lesson learned is that I have to stop worrying so much. I am 90% sure that the Marine Corp aren't going to let Danny die or get hurt, so I need to sit down and shut up. I won't be able to bully them into giving me contact with him so I should just learn to be patient as they work stuff out on their end.

I have to remind myself that nobody is out to get us. No one is intentionally trying to keep me in the dark or make me sick with worry. The Marine Corp is a huge organization(?) and they probably have bigger fish to fry then me being upset about a phone call or wanting the husbands address as soon as he gets there.

So I guess the REAL lesson is that I need to stop thinking that I have any control for the next four years, minimum. I will live where they tell me to live, wait when I have to wait, and celebrate when they give me something to celebrate.

Nightmares

I have been having a bad couple of days, sleep-wise. I have been having some pretty intense nightmares, the most awful of which woke me up in the middle of night, sobbing like a kid. Poor husband was really freaked out when I startled him awake as I searched for him in the blankets.

The dream itself wasnt gruesome or anything. I dreamt that it was maybe 10 years in the future. I had three kids, all watching TV in the living room when the doorbell rings and I open the front door to find a man in uniform telling me that my husband has died.

I'm sure the experience is different in real life, but it shook me to the core. I havent really felt like doing anything the last few days, least of all write. I have spent it getting myself together and talking my crazy side out of telling Danny he cant join the Marines.

On a happier note I went to Home Depot yesterday and picked up the seeds im going to plant this year as well as a raspberry shoot. So my garden this year will have stawberries, broccoli, pumpkins, watermelons, AND hopefully some raspberries. I also finally have found a pair of gardening gloves that actually fit me. My future brother in law picked up some corn that he plans on planting, but I dont really see that happening since he has made no effort to help me clear the garden.

OH! Hold on. His recruiters, who we have had nothing but issues with, has gone and changed the day for PT from mondays to saturdays. WTH! There is no way that Danny is going to be able to get saturdays off from work. Just frustrating because they made such a big deal about danny getting mondays off from work. GRRR